I always try to cheer myself up by thinking better times will be waiting for me, when I finally get to study at the university.
However, a little something inside of me always tears me down and keeps telling me, that I'm about to fail and I'm that weird introvert who always gets to be left behind, while everyone else enjoys their life. Where did I went so wrong, that I ended up here, on a Friday night 9 pm all by alone, sitting in my bed and torturing myself with snapchats of my "friends". Their all up to something they enjoy, either being on vacation with their families and friends, partying at the club or just having wonderful dates with their SO. Those are the things I could probably be enjoying too, if I'd only had all my emotions back on track..
It has almost been a year of recovery for me and I felt like so much has changed in that time. Am I still struggling? Right now not really, but I don't want to take that for granted by not praising every single meal I can really enjoy and eat without guilt, thinking about the calories or even restricting them. When this whole crap with Ana started I had no Idea where it would lead me. As I started to feel numb and slowly excluded myself from my friends and even my family, it was kind of a relief at first, but felt like a huge wall surrounding me with time running by.
"You look so tiny" I heard them say and even if I acted as if that'd had hurt me, deep inside t'was also absorbed like a compliment. How messed up is that??? Ana's a bitch! And therefore I'm glad I found a way to block her and as I feel right now I might have also killed her. However, when I did that I did it for certain reasons, one of them being able to feel alive again with all those human emotions, like fear, happiness, excitement and even sadness at some moments (like some chick flick with an heart breaking plot), but I seem to overlook something that I still have to change in order to come back to the living beyond us...
However, a little something inside of me always tears me down and keeps telling me, that I'm about to fail and I'm that weird introvert who always gets to be left behind, while everyone else enjoys their life. Where did I went so wrong, that I ended up here, on a Friday night 9 pm all by alone, sitting in my bed and torturing myself with snapchats of my "friends". Their all up to something they enjoy, either being on vacation with their families and friends, partying at the club or just having wonderful dates with their SO. Those are the things I could probably be enjoying too, if I'd only had all my emotions back on track..
It has almost been a year of recovery for me and I felt like so much has changed in that time. Am I still struggling? Right now not really, but I don't want to take that for granted by not praising every single meal I can really enjoy and eat without guilt, thinking about the calories or even restricting them. When this whole crap with Ana started I had no Idea where it would lead me. As I started to feel numb and slowly excluded myself from my friends and even my family, it was kind of a relief at first, but felt like a huge wall surrounding me with time running by.
"You look so tiny" I heard them say and even if I acted as if that'd had hurt me, deep inside t'was also absorbed like a compliment. How messed up is that??? Ana's a bitch! And therefore I'm glad I found a way to block her and as I feel right now I might have also killed her. However, when I did that I did it for certain reasons, one of them being able to feel alive again with all those human emotions, like fear, happiness, excitement and even sadness at some moments (like some chick flick with an heart breaking plot), but I seem to overlook something that I still have to change in order to come back to the living beyond us...
